Đêm lại xuống

Muốn dậy sớm mà lại thức khuya. Mâu thuẫn éo chịu được.

Tâm trạng khó tả thật, kiểu như đang tự vấn bản thân í.
Thấy hối hận và chán nản về những quyết định của bản thân, về con đường mà mình đang đi, về những lựa chọn mà mình đã tính toán. Thế nhưng lại không có đủ can đảm để từ bỏ mọi thứ.
Tương lai, gia đình, đam mê, tình yêu, tiền bạc. tuổi trẻ, những điều hoang dại.
Nhiều lúc muốn khóc ...
...
Khóc con mẹ nó rồi, mắt ướt mi rồi.

Thôi Na ơi, ngoan nào.
Tắt đèn đi ngủ thôi.

When a good girl gone bad

Feel lonely and horny

Sounds nasty eh !

It's true but I can't deny.

Looking back through the window in the door that now has closed.
The looking glass that lost its tinted rose,
At the secrets of the path we never chose.

Lose ourselves there and we fall into the arms of the unseen
Of all that never was but should have been
Beyond the day that woke us from the dream.

And it's a little late to speculate on what you could have done.
It's a little late to overstate the obvious
You considered every move you made
Yet you did what you thought best
So release the fist that erred into the grave
Lay the ghost to rest

Let it go with
the hurt of all the promises unkept
The pride behind apologies unsaid
And the tradegy of hope we left for dead.

Because its as fruitless
as the tears in the sour milk we spilt
On the ruins of the tower that we built
And the silence and the loneliness of guilt.

And it's a little late to speculate on what you could have done
And so easy now to overstate the obvious.
We considered every move we made
We did what we thought best.
So throw down your fist that erred into the grave
Lay the ghost to rest.

This ones over
No phoenix from these ashes will arise
So let the tears upon the lashes of your eyes
Fall to the desert ground and bring new life.

Walk away now
Am not saying that we can or should forget
Just don't cloud our every sunrise with regret
The curtain hasn't fallen on us yet
The curtain hasn't fallen on us yet

The curtain hasn't fallen on us yet.

GHOST - STONEY

============================================

Gazing at the screen with an entirely emotionless eyes, I could'n help but let tears rolling on my cheeks.

oh baby, Tears don't fall for no reason.

Mày như cứt  ấy Na ạ, thối  lắm.

Con người ta hơn nhau ở cái bản lĩnh. Mày đã quyết định rồi thế mà phút chót lại lung lay vì lời nói của kẻ khác ư. Nói thì rất hay, đến lúc làm thì lại run sợ. Phải tin vào bản thân chứ, tao biết mày là đứa rất mạnh mẽ, và đó cũng là điều giúp mày sống được đến ngày hôm nay mà.

Nhưng tao sợ lắm. Quyết định của tao có ảnh hưởng đến tất cả gia đình tao. Làm sao tao có thể sống nổi khi biết gia đình sẽ phải khốn đốn vì quyết định sai lầm của mình. Tao cảm thấy rất mơ hồ với lựa chọn của mình.

Tin tao đi, mày không mơ hồ đâu. Mày có nội lực mạnh mẽ và hơn ai hết mày biết mày đang làm gì mà, mày luôn suy xét cẩn thận bất cứ điều gì mày muốn làm mà, và thực sự mày đã nghiên nhứu rất kỹ về điều này rồi. Mày luôn tự nói với bản thân rằng mày không phải đứa hồ đồ mà, và tao biết đó là sự thực. Hãy tin vào bản thân Na ơi. mày thiếu tự tin vào bản thân một cách trầm trọng. Tao biết mày đã cố hết sức rồi, mày đã tìm hiểu rất kỹ về vấn đề này rồi mà, thậm chí con tim mày cũng mách bảo đó là lựa chọn của đời mày mà. sao giờ phải đắn đo.

cố lên Na ơi. mạnh mẽ lên. mạnh mẽ lên. Thời gian vừa qua mày đã làm đc rất nhiều điều tuyệt vời, không ít người đã tỏ ra ngưỡng mộ những điều mày đã làm, mày đã nhận không ít những lời khen ngơi. và hơn thế cả, đó là ngày càng có nhiều người yêu mến mày hơn, quan tâm mày hơn, đó không phải là dấu hiệu tốt hay sao. Những thành công nho nhỏ này chẳng phải đến từ những nỗ lực của bản thân hay sao, và tất cả đều là thành quả của những bước đi chậm nhưng chắc, từ những suy xét trước sau cẩn thận của mày đó Na ơi. 

Tin ở bản thân nhé Na ơi, Hãy tự tin lên.

What have you reveiced this Christmas?

This the first time in my life i have heard someone said they are proud to know me. That's the greatest Christmas present a simple girl could ask for. thank you my friend. you have made my day.

I have no idea why people keep  acting like shit to me. 

Have I done something wrong? oh well, If I really do, I should at least have the right to know what was that.

I miss someone I have met only once

That was a small party of travelers and expat in Phnom Penh - Cambodia where I was traveling in November. Nina was talking with 2 other people . everyone else was also chatting and getting to know each other.

I got bored and didn't know what to do.Honestly to say, I was a bit shy and sat lonely on the couch (I'm too bad huh!!?! ). I need something to occupy my self, to show that I totally feel comfortable. then I took my camera out, checked what I have got today and tried to take some picture of the party with no flash (bcause I don't want to take people's attention ) but I failed because my hands keep shaking due to 2 cans of beer and absolutely felt sleepy after that. did I ever say I'm so difficult to get drunk but very easy to fall asleep by alcohol drink? :D okay I will talk about that in another different post.

Then Michal came, sat on the couch and started talking to me in a very gentle way. ( Yeah We did get to know each other before) Hey. What are you doing? you taking photo? can I see it? blah blah blah ...I became more open and talked to him spontaneously. I'm not the type of girl who's too shy or too difficult to talk to . did have a good short talk with him. And ...

... Another guy approach and sat next to me. I forgot his name and only remember he's from USA, so just call him Mr.USA

Mr.USA was eating noodle and invited me to try it. Except from the thing he interrupted my conversation with Michal, he's a very interesting guy with lots of story about his traveling experience to tell. He's also quite handsome, funny and know how to attract others attention. That was actually a dilemma for me when 3 people were all sitting on the same couch. I want to continue talking with M. but Mr USA was more talk-active than M. He soon took control the conversation, constantly asked me new questions and somehow it made M feels ignored. He stood up and made a gesture to me that he's going to get more beer. But he did not come back again.

We had a chance to meet again, but hilariously, it was all the same : me - M - Mr.USA . And it eventually turned out with M left the conversation first and talked with some other guys.

We stayed very late and all went to night club. We danced and said nothing. and obviously, nothing more happened.

I now backed to my country, M's still working in Cambodia as a consultant and nothing connects between us. nothing! I know Nina will still join the party every weekend and maybe he will as well. And I can ask Nina do something for me. but I just can't do that....

I took some pictures while we were in the club and luckily got M's face inside the frame. he's not so handsome, honestly.... hehehe.

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel

I found tears in my eyes, just right after he said goodbye last night.

that's our conversation, glacial and indifferent, as usual... No one wants to show their real emotion and do their best to hide it away.

sometimes this hurts.... hurts so bad.

He said he's gonna marry at year's end. that seems to be too fast as I have never heard he has new gf. oh well He have never told me he has gf since we know each other , since  he started his cruel game.

I have no idea how I felt when I heard that, happy? sad? I don't know. really don't know. the only think left is something collapsed inside me.

------------------------

I remember a song of Johnny Cash. please listen to it if you read this post. 

don't tell God how big your problem are, tell your problem how big your God is

No ,it's okay, I'm not mad at you.... :) jst wanna threw a chair at your face :):):)

Never allow someone to be your priority while you are jst their option